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Loyd's Movie Reviews (June 2001)
June 12, 2001
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eBerg's itinerant cinema critic Lloyd peruses the rents, including Quills ("the story was about a locked up French pervert who wrote Penthouse-letters type movies") Hollow Man ("The wife told me to write something good because the fairy who was prancing about in Footloose was in it") and the Exorcist Director's Cut ("The only thing scarier is my credit rating.") No ascots, no snobbery - just honest reviews from our Man Of Film.



Quills


Well, the story was about a locked up French pervert who wrote Penthouse-letters type movies. There was a funny shot there of Napoleon and his stumpy legs and some of the crazy fellows was pretty funny but there was a little too much naked old men for my liking. But it did have wasername – Kate Winslow (Editors Note: Winslet), the one who was in Love Boat or whatever (Editors Note: Titanic) and she’s easy on the eyes, let me tell you. So I didn’t mind putting up with the old French perverts so long as she was on screen.


Hollow Man



The wife told me to write something good because the fairy who was prancing about in Footloose was in it. Anyhow, this fellow in it (Editor’s Note: Kevin Bacon) can disappear and gets up to all kinds of badness, as you would if you could go invisible. I knows one thing – I wouldn’t be long turning on the invisible when the inlaws dropped by, no by Jesus. The movie? T’was all right, some neat fights and stuff although nothing really different, you know.



The Exorcist Directors Cut


Now you have to understand that I saw this movie when I was living in Toronto and it caused a big stir in the theatres. That was about twenty years ago, and I was just getting over it when you tells me to watch it again. Without a doubt, this is the scariest movie ever made, it was doubly scary with missus walking upside down the stairs spitting blood and gore and lots of floating faces. The only thing scarier is my credit rating. Ha ha. Anyhow, after watching this I tried to go on to bed, and had the light left on in the shed and was going to go turn it off when I thought better of it with the demons and all.


Tommy Boy



Now you told me this one was going to be good and me buddy Jarv had dropped by with a bottle of this new homemade blueberry wine he made and we had some mussels bottled in vinegar and sat back for a watch. The wife was at bingo, which was perfect, cause she wouldn’t have liked it on account of no love story or women dying of women’s diseases or soppin’ and bawlin’. Anyway, don’t know if it was Jarv’s wine, but we was in absolute stitches. Jarv’s eyes was running like Ragged Harbour River, oh man, and I was going to drop down the home to get some depends on loan. When that fat fellow (Editor’s Note: Chris Farley) and tore the door off the car oh my … now the wife’s cousin from Ottawa – I calls him Big Deal because that’s what he thinks he is – came down he backing his big van out of our driveway and catches the door on the side of the house and slouso! Off comes the door. He was some Big Deal then. Not fond of him, I’m not. Anyway, the movie was enough to kill you laughing, and the scene where the great big fellow is trying to sell auto parts and his hair gone off like an electrocuted mop well, Christ I just about bust meself laughing. Then Jarv got another bottle of the blueberry and the wife came home and was none to pleased about Jarv and I laughing like the young girls up the lane and after staining her prize doilies, whatever the Jesus. But a really good movie. Funny acting. Good story. More like this on your review list from now on, and less with old French perverts and demons that makes you bed go into liftoff.