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Lloyd's Movie Reviews
July 6, 2001
{Author: eBerg Staff}


With a deaf ear to the call of the Atlantic Salmon, Lloyd, eberg's itinerant film critic, finds time to review the new rentals, including Snatch ("Lots of bodies being fed to pigs, but I won't spoil it for you") Magnolia ("I don't care if it won Oscar the Grouch in a Gold Punt") and Vertical Limit ("Some fellows goes falling off cliffs and what not.")



Snatch


Now see, my brother in Fort McMurray had this crackie dog and his young fellow was bouncing this big Indian rubber ball back and forth and the dog would jump up and catch it in his chops. Then the ball went missing - me brother figured it had gone in the grass. No such luck. Here the dog be scoatin' for four days. Well then, me brother said. Off to the vet. Turns out the dog after eating the ball. By and by, he passed it. In this movie, the crackie dog swallowed a big diamond. There was lots of funny parts in the movie, but there was so many characters, it was a little hard to follow for a bit. They made fun of the Gypsy dialect in the movie, but I thought that was clear as a bell compared to some of what I heard on this here Rock, hey b'y. Lot of blood and guts, and bodies being fed to pigs, but I won't spoil it for you.


O Brother, Where Art Thou?


Oh man, the music was wicked. The old bluegrass-style music was something else. A few dandy tunes in it - I'll be looking for the tape next time I goes to Gander. The movie was all right, I s'pose. (Editor prompts further comment.) Well I dunno, was like eating capelin when you could have scrad, and I'm a big fan of capelin so, you know - I've spent a few hours doing worse things. (Editor prompts further comment.) I'm not telling you what worse things, oh man. That's only between me and the Mountie. Ha ha!


Magnolia


Now oh man, I went to the shop to get this one and Edward give me two tapes. "Two tapes?" I says. "Yessir, two tapes for this one," Edward says. "Two for one. Special deal." "Special deal, my Aunt Dot's arse," I says. Look oh man. You can't expect a man to be watching two tapes of a movie - looked to be about flowers, judging by the cover - not with a thick run of salmon on the go and the neighbour having a get together and all that. (Editor outlines critical acclaim for Magnolia.) I don't care if it won Oscar the Grouch in a Gold Punt. The salmon's thick. I works, then I fishes. I already after watching three movies this week. People thinks I'm gone loo down here, always at the shop.


Office Space


Now what one was that? You got me watching movies left right and center and I can barely keep that straight with the book I'm reading. Oh yes, the one with the bys who rips off the office. Don't blame 'em, neither. All right. Here goes. Oh - first let me tell you about why people in offices can't eat porkfat. Now the wife's blood pressure gone ga ga, so she's on the low-fat. Becel. Oh man, have you taste it? Sawdust tastes better. Well the wife used to be the best cook on the northeast coast. Used to. Now I'm a man ready to starve to death. You know how you lets the tiny scrunchion cook right into the fish - oh, man. Beautiful! Now here I am on the Becel. Anyway, I had a point - people who works in offices can't eat pork fat cause the poor bloods of -------- can't get any exercise. Now growing up, you get back from school, fetch the water from the well, cut a few splits - it's active, right? Can't do that in an office. Rural Newfoundlanders always been active, always on the go - used to be hard to get fat. (Editor prompts getting to the point.) Hold on, oh man. Yes, the movie was real funny, especially buddy's neighbour always talking through the wall in the apartment. Used to take the boys three hours to get through traffic to work. After I saw that, I went out on the step and there was a big sky, lighthouse going, wonderful. Most traffic we gets in is when the icebergs, capelin and whales all comes in. You poor bloods of ------ in that office, when are you coming down our way? No trouble to get a meal of lobster you know … (Edited for brevity.)


Vertical Limit


Some fellows goes falling off cliffs and what not. Uh …. (Editor asks for plots synopsis, character analyzation, thoughts on story development.) Good. Was all good. Wicked movie. I didn't catch a lot of the details. (Editor asks Lloyd whether he in fact watched Vertical Limit.) Well … look - didn't I tell you the salmon was running thick?

Editors Note: After "negotiations" with the eBerg Film Critic, Lloyd On Film will return after the salmon "dies down a bit."