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Newfoundland Separation Movement Afoot - Harris will serve as an excellent anchor: spokesperson
August 10, 2001
{Author: }


  Perhaps it is time we left. We still haven’t an NHL franchise, we’ve borne the brunt of cruel and ill-witted jokes, and most of us consider themselves Newfoundlanders first and Canadians second anyway.

 
That’s how George Hannin* sees it. He’s the lead engineer in a new project that would facilitate Newfoundland’s separation. Literally.
 
Hannin is part of a small syndicate of engineers, businesspeople, fools and zealots behind the Driven Ultramarine Mobility Barge - a project that would see Newfoundland physically removed from Canada and made the world’s first roving state.
 
“If we are to separate, we really must go,” explained Mr. Hannin. “The DUMB project is simple really - we detonate the province from its foundation to the ocean floor, float it, and use a series of synchronized Mercury motors affixed to the west coast to propel Newfoundland around the world. These are complex geological and engineering principles. Namely, blow the bottom off and give ‘er.”
 
Similar seismic separation will ensure Labrador’s participation as well, Mr. Hannin said, adding that he sees enormous benefit to getting the province on the go.
 
“Think of it,” he said. “If the weather gets cold, we can go south, dock up with Barbados, and soak up some rays. We can bring the tourists to us. We’ll just pull up to, say, New Zealand, and invite the boys aboard. Wonderful. We can swap moose for coconuts. We can get back at all those foreigners fishing our waters. We’re too good a people to keep to ourselves all the time.”
 
Mr. Hannin says independence would have its privileges.
 
“We could field our own Olympic squad, govern ourselves, reap royalties from offshore development, preserve our culture. Did I mention, no Mike Harris? I say no to equalization and yes to separation. Vive la departure!”
 
Mr. Hannin is currently in negotiations with several war-ravaged countries to purchase the necessary explosives to undertake the operation. The other option involves hosting the first ever Baked Beans Festival and a well-positioned flame, but Mr. Hannin fears the accidental defoliation of our pristine wilderness.
 
A third option is in the works to utilize wind power as a propulsive device in the event fixed rotary means prove too costly.
 
“We intend on standing Mike Harris on the shore at Boat Harbour, have him face the mainland and begin spouting some of that useless hot air which he seems to have in impressive reserve - an excellent use of wind power,” Mr. Hannin intoned.
 
Mr. Harris said a standing offer has been made to St. Pierre-Miquelon to come along as a co-pilot so long as they “provide the bread and wine.”