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Lloyd's Movie Reviews…
October 31, 2001
{Author: eBerg Staff}


Lloyd's Movie Reviews...Halloween Special (October 31, 2001)
In the wake of the most frightening time a year, we've asked Lloyd to review some of the classic horror tales. And apparently none of the rentals are as scary as his sister-in-law.



The BIRDS

Good movie, yes, but I dunno what kinda soft old fools gets scared of a few birds. We gets birds like that on the government wharf every day and the only thing scary is what they does to me truck. Then when I comes home, the wife be waiting at the window, and come running out then, squawking, "You wash that gull sh-off right now, Lloyd! There stomachs is acidic you knows! Tear the paint right to pieces! You wants that truck devalued, you go right ahead and leave it there." I thinks our marriage has devalued. Wonder if I can get a refund? Hahah! Anyway, back to The Birds. Don't know how a town of that many never had a single shotgun. Jarv's gun oh man you cut down half a flock a turrs a go. Course you can't shoot turrs no more unless your name is Billy Gates. Needs a per-mit now. Next thing you know, government be charging us for every breath of fresh air we takes."


A Nightmare on Elm Street

Now let me tell you crowd one thing, nothing is scary once you're after seeing me sister- in-law. Her face would improve if she was burnt to a scrunch, oh man. Have I told you about her living in Turanna with 44 cats on account of her being a beached humpback whale? She's a lot of like that Frank (editor's note: Freddy) Krueger fella - invades me dreams and scares me half to death. Some people don't believe in the Hag. Well, I has to go visit her twice a year, and she's real alright.





Friday the 13th


Kinda scary, but the scariest thing I ever seen in a hockey mask was Glenn Healy when the Leafs would play him in net. Oh, here's a joke Jarv used to say when he come over to watch the Leafs. What's the difference between Jesus and Glen Healy? Jesus Saves. Good one, heyby? Useless, he was. Better off putting a piece of catgut in the net.






Alien


Now sir, I don't really like movies that takes place in outer space on account of them being foolish as a barrel of politicians, but this one was a real dandy. Monsters spring out of people's guts and whatnot. Like the time I eat about 20 lassie buns when I was famished.








The Blob


This giant piece of Jello goes around eating everything in site, but I won't tell you more, cause I've said enough about the Sister-In-Law already and the Missus is worse than Frank Krueger when I starts badmouthing that accordion-chin sack-of-spuds.







Evil Dead 2


Boys, what were you saying that this was good? Good, me Aunt Dot's arse. To all you crowd reading this, don't ever rent it. The boys said it was wicked. Yes, wicked like inflamed hemorrhoids. You have to rename your office e-Fools. The movie had hands flying around, monsters in the basement, more blood than my shed after moose hunting season. Stupid! I never saw the like. Didn't even watch it all. Classic, you says! Ha! Classic crap! I'm calling Sister-In-Law right now and tell her to get on out and rent it so soon as she's done shaving her back.