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  The eKubator


Kittiwake Economic Development Corporation

The eKubator Project

Rural Remedies
August 24, 2001
{Author: eBerg Staff}

SYMPTOM: Soreness/dull ache in elbow.
LIKELY CAUSE: Repetitive stress disorder likely caused by overzealous cod jigging during fishing season. Can also be a result of trying to pull over feisty, dated outboard motors, a condition known as Evenrude6hp-1981itis.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENTS: Without physical restraint, patient cannot be restrained from cod fishing. Duct taping patient to the bed/heavy sedatives is a good option. In case of dated outboard motor, recommendation of new model is useless given that most patients swear allegiance to "trusty" outboard motors that have not functioned properly since Smallwood's era.

SYMPTON: Irregular blue bruise-like rash develops on knees.
LIKELY CAUSE: While often misdiagnosed as a deep knee bruise, this discoloration results during blueberry season as pickers graze bogs like voracious cows, squashing berries into a film against knees.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENTS: Urge patient to wear long pants while berry picking.

SYMPTOM: Neck muscles appear taunt and agitated. Patient will often complain his/her neck is "kinked up like a tomcat's tail."
LIKELY CAUSE: Many rural Newfoundlanders, when greeting each other, pronounce: "Howshagitinoncock?" For those graduates of John Hopkins or other non-Newfoundland medical institutes, this translates roughly to "Hello, how are you feeling on this fine day?" After this question, rural Newfoundlanders often punctuate the remark with an agile sideways nod of the head, accompanied by a "click-click" sound made with the tongue. This motion may strain neck muscles if the greeter is particularly fond of the greetee or in a good mood.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENTS: Newfoundlanders are notoriously friendly, and it is hard to dissuade them from greeting every man, woman and beast who passes them. In fact, most Newfoundlanders are openly discriminated against by larger department stores which employ "greeters." Newfoundlanders are thought of as poor greeters because their penchant for talking hours on end is an impediment to shoppers getting entrance to the store and actually buying something. We suggest the patient undergo heavy rehabilitation to begin using a simple wave as a greeting. This will not come about without great effort.

SYMPTOM: Chafing and blisters along the back of the heel.
LIKELY CAUSE: Poorly-fitting rubber boots.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: Patient should be encouraged to purchase new footwear with a larger berth for the foot. In relaying this, the doctor should intone: "Ya needs bigger boots and a good set of vamps, oh man."

SYMPTOM: Irregularly high sex drive.
LIKELY CAUSE: The beautiful pristine environment, the salty waft of the sea air, and swollen moon hung low over a dappled ocean all lend themselves to Newfoundlander's renowned sexual prowess and love of romance. While this is healthy, doctors are likely to treat a fair number of bad backs and injuries related to failed aerobic/acrobatic attempts by passion-fueled couples.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: To date, patients have been unreceptive to alternative activities to their number one hobby. In fact, a remarkable 99 of 100 patients treated for this ailment said they would "rather roll naked in whale blubber" then forgo sex. The 100th, it should be noted, was in a coma.

SYMPTOM: Chipped and aching teeth.
LIKELY CAUSE: These issues are best treated by a qualified dental surgeon. However, the main culprit is "hard bread," a local delicacy with the constitution and strength of a freeze-blasted hockey puck. On other occasions, those eating thick-billed Atlantic Murre or "turr" have accidentally chewed the shot left within the seabird. Most families scorn such complaints, arguing that biting the shot "builds character."
RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: Medical practitioners have been unable to counter Newfoundlander's acute physical dependency on hard bread. An experimental "hard bread patch" showed some success until it was noted that subjects' intake of Purity Syrup increased threefold.