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Kittiwake Economic Development Corporation

The eKubator Project

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is YES!
November 2, 2001
{Author: eBerg Staff}


Sex on the Rock
MacLean's columnist Alan Fotheringham, in the wake of that magazine's annual survey of Canadian trends, once wrote: "The devil is in the details. The time of year has come to confirm that Newfoundlanders like and enjoy sex more than the rest of us. And why not? If I lived in Gander, I'd like sex a lot, too."

It should be noted that Alan Fotheringham is an old curmudgeon, with a sex life akin to a castrated monk. But we digress.

Newfoundlander's love of sex is legendary. Our run of first place finishes in national surveys is legend - rivaling the Edmonton Oilers Stanley Cup spree of the eighties.

But it does beg the question - are Newfoundlanders truly more active in the bedroom? Do we really have a sex drive to shame Wilt Chamberlain hopped-up on Viagra? Or are we trying to reinforce an image as ninjas of the boudoir?

Without a wisp of scientific study or in-depth assessment, we've come up with a few viable answers to this reason.

You Can Only Play So Much Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Let's face it, in Newfoundland we don't exactly have a million entertainment options. It's not like our Friday night features the Royal Winnipeg Ballet at the LOL Lodge and U2 at the Lion's Club. There is a vast difference between entertainment and fun. Entertainment is laid out for you. Fun takes creativity and work. That's why you make fun. Sex is likely the most low-maintenance of all fun activities. There's no dress code, preparation is minimal (foreplay as in four minutes, including the time to climb the stairs) and there's no expense. (Prostitution still has yet to take hold in Newfoundland, largely because of the massive amount of ongoing free sex.)

The Women, The Women, The Women.
Sorry to be gender-biased, ladies, but our staff is poorly equipped to assess the quality of Newfoundland's men. However, the women are dazzling. These aren't your bar-hopping hausfraus with salon tans like jaundice, $36,000 worth of surgical reupholstering and hair teased high enough to tune Brazilian soap operas should they stand near your TV. We're talking about beach-rock complexioned, wind-flecked hair, life-loving, smart, high-calibre women of fabric. When bureaucrats speak of Newfoundland's wonderous natural resources, the women are the first thing that spring (poor choice of words) to mind. Newfoundland men lead the nation in Exorcists - slang for a 360 degree turn of the neck so as to afford a longer look at passing beauties.

A Lust For Life.
Drink, dance, music, food. Each Newfoundlander has a little Hugh Hefner within us that seems to dictate the weekend itinerary. We relish the finer things in life, but aren't materialistic. Our idea of fun is good friends gathering on a Friday night for a lobster boil. Now we know there are some of you upalong who prefer tire-ironing the guy who dented your Lexus, mainlining crack, Feng Shui-ing your garage or catching up on your sleep at the SkyDome, and we don't begrudge you that. But Newfoundlanders are a simple people - we are really most concerned with the fundaments of human life - food, shelter, and a rabbit-like zest for making love.

The Sea Air.
Newfoundland is fertile ground for romance - the waft of sea air, the moon-dappled sea, the rutting of the moose. It's hard not to be filled with a sense of wonder and romance when you live on a Rock on the cusp of the continent. It's as if the sashaying pine, the tide scouring the shore, the swirling Kittiwakes all cry - "Sex! Sex! Sex!"

It's Cold, Dammit!
Marine temperate climate can get cold in the winter. You can put on a pair of vamps thicker than a seal's belly, and still be colder than Hitler's heart. Sex is a great way to maintain blood flow and stave off frostbite. Or you could just have sex inside for a change, of course. After all, your neighbours want their lawn back.

Less Time to Live = Less Time For Sex
Newfoundlanders don't live as long as most. We probably eat as much seafood as the Asians, but we turn to wormfeed a whole lot quicker. With the Grim Reaper's scythe dangling ominously over your head, make no wonder you want to be having sex all the time. Come to think of it, maybe we're dying of exhaustion.