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Lloyd's Movie Reviews - Lloyd on DVD (November 30, 2001)

Lloyd has been swept into a new era of technology. This week, he reviews the best of the DVDs. Oh, and Showgirls, too.

"First I gotta tell you fellas about the trouble I had getting this bleedin' DVD going. Went to read the instructions, which was harder to understand than a crackie-mouthed townie after a few beer. Turns out me TV is too old. Now it is old, oh man. Bought when the bellbottoms was the rage, but sweet and honorouble. I called and they said I need a RF demodulator or some rig, which run me another $50 bucks and I was poisoned.

Anyway, Jarv came over and we got her going. Jarv's pretty handy with cables, so I got the surround sound on the go and now I can't hear a bleedin' thing, which is wicked when the wife starts up on her nagging, right?

Best picture I got out of the TV ever. Not a whisper of fog or snow, not like the weather the last few days, heyby. Anyway, I took the list you fellas got me for good DVD movies and got to it."



ALIEN

"I don't mind telling you this movie had the [bleep] frightened right out of us. I looked over and Jarv be slunk down in the chair peeking through his fingers like he in a cage. I bet he does the same thing when his ex-wife used to come to bed in her raggedy old nighty looking like a hag just in from wandering the bogs.

Anyway the movie was wicked. Lotsa guns and blood and screaming, just like Toronto. I don't mind saying either that the main missus, whatsername (editors note: Sigourney Weaver) was lookin' quite good. When she came on was the only time Jarv took his hands away from his face.

The monsters were crazy-looking. Snarlin' and drippin' snot or something and getting inside your stomach and bursting out, kinda like after the missus cooks up fajitas. Oh man, that Mexican food sets a bonfire in me stomach like nothing else. A good two days work is usually gone as I relocates to the toilet. Whenever the missus cooks "something new" from one of her mad recipe books, I puts the toilet paper in the freezer cause I knows I be getting the Johnny Cash-Ring-Of-Fire ass and be dropping gas like the Exxon boat in the accident.

Anyway, yes, the aliens … quite scary. Must have been modeled after the sister in law."



Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

"Now the movie was good, but what struck me was how they were trying to gross you out by showing eating eyeballs and whatnot. It reminded me of the fella up here from the states who wouldn't be eating the capelin head. I told him all the protein was in the head, and he be like - "Can you remove the eyes?" I told him he be removing my size 11 boot from his behind if he not be eatin' it right now. It was a rum night and I was getting' surly. Anyway he eat it like he was eating a hand grenade. Then I made him wash it down with some Vienna Sausage brine. And they says Newfoundlanders are so good at hospitality. It's true, but not when a bottle of Lambs is being passed around.

Oh yeah, the movie was fun, but me missus got a thing for the main fella (editor's note: Harrison Ford) and suggesting I buy a whip and hat. Gross! She gets the same way about her story with that old fella, Victor Newman. All the women here in town loves Victor Newman. I can't understand it."

E.T.

"This ugly fella moves away from home and settles with a new family and wanting to be on the phone all the time on account of being homesick and eventually, after nearly being killed, goes on out of it.

Same thing happened to Jarv when he moved to Alberta, the poor dummy. "






Showgirls

"Now b'ys, I knows this wasn't on the viewing list, but I had to pick it up as it comes highly recommended from Alb, me buddy on the darts team.

Anyway this hot piece of ---" (editor's note: portion deleted given inappropriate content and explicit sexual description.)

"… and if I had third thumb, I be putting it up for this one. A masterpiece."